5 months have passed by since I had some of the darkest days of my life. Coming back from Scotland and realising that there was something very wrong with my situation, with my mental state that no amount of yoga could cure was utterly terrifying. I hung on in there, I kept going to my classes, I went back to drug and alcohol counselling, I booked more therapy, I dug deep and surrounded myself with the right people. I talked and I ate well. I exercised and I meditated. I saged my house, I burned incense, I saw my doctor, I even applied for new jobs. Nothing worked. Every morning I was exhausted to the point of tears. It wasn’t anxiety either. I was fully immersed in what I can only describe as situational depression. I couldn’t see it. I was so determined to ‘fix’ myself I was blind to the real problem.
Only one thing worked. And, it was something I had never tried before. I didn’t even know I was doing it. I didn’t know it was what I needed. And yet it came, and I sat with it.
I spent time alone.
If you know me, you’ll know I’m 100% an extrovert. I only think I feel alive when I’m around my loved ones, I bubble with excitement when I get to spend time with people who challenge me, make me laugh and make me think. Until this year, I couldn’t sit with myself. I just found it impossible. I would fill my days up with things to do, people to see, blogs to write, yoga mats to sell,yoga classes to do. I never, ever stopped. Guess what? I’m a classic addict…I supress, avoid and I deny.
It wasn’t until I got my 5 day dog-sitting job that I truly sat with myself. It was my oracle and coach that challenged me to do so. She knows me. She knows I can’t resist a challenge. I sat in my friends house with her 3 dogs on my lap and resisted the temptation to invite people over. I went to the supermarket once, to get supplies. I holed myself up with these three angels and I reflected. I had no books, I didn’t turn on Netflix and I sat with my own thoughts. I hated it for the first 2 days. I found anything I could to distract myself, cooking, washing clothes, playing with the dogs. By the third day I was entirely locked up. The door was closed and my phone was off. By the 4th day, I didn’t want to leave. By the 5th, I was in it. I was with just me. And I found, that I’m damn good company for myself, warts and all.
I went back home and I spent another month, alone. In the house, with my plants and my music. And I figured it out. I don’t, I didn’t and I will never need anyone else. I’m am absolutely fantastic, all alone. Even when things are dark. I know how to bounce back, and I have done it time and time and time again. That this particular situation is nothing compared to what I’ve done before. I am entirely, enough.
Since this, I have made major changes that I will go into more detail about later. But, right now I’m basking in the fact that my vibrational energy is attracting so much love into my life. Even with the people I was struggling with before. There’s so much love. There’s so much affection. So much friendship. So much meaning to all of my relationships right now, even if they have changed significantly. I’ve realised that all I want, is to feel this way and use it to help others.
I’m sitting here on a Saturday morning, absolutely loving the fact that I’m alone and I’m drafting plans for my future. Something I couldn’t even see before. I’m cleaning up bank accounts, I’m purging things I don’t need, I’m accepting my coffee addiction and I’m pulling out the best bits of myself.
Folks, I’ve never felt more full of promise in my life. I can see it now.
And all I had to do, was be alone.
I love you, and I will never stop being there for you. SC x