I went to crazy town part II
I thought it was time for another update. Plus I remembered I had said my last one was part 1 and I forgot there would be a sequel!
To be honest if there was no sequel that would be good news. I think I’ve said this before but when I have nothing to write about it means all is well. All is still not well but I can categorically say that I am much, much better than I was in Jan. So the good news? My meds have kicked back in and are working their magic on my anxiety. I am no longer having debilitating days where my brain is on full pelt meltdown. What I have noticed is something new. I’m experiencing huge waves of depression. I have never felt depression like this. I have had moments of feeling empty (mostly just after a panic attack) so I’m very aware of what it feels like. This is different. I have it every morning and it gets better as the day goes on. I believe there are some circumstantial reasons for it and it isn’t worrying me too much. Believe it or not, if I were to have the choice, I would choose depression over anxiety. I feel like it is a much, much easier thing to pull myself out of, provided I’m doing the right things.
I felt it all day on Saturday, then with a little help from some serious cardio yesterday, it lifted and I had a lovely afternoon. I know what to do; I just need to keep it up.
How would I describe it to you? Tiredness, fatigue. No matter how much sleep I’m getting, it never feels like enough. Showering feels like a marathon, brushing my teeth takes the strength of an Ox and walking to the office from the train feels like a never-ending journey (it’s 500m). I feel empty, like there is just nothing to look forward to. I sat with it this morning; I’m trying this now. I’m always rushing myself to get better. What happens if I don’t? What if I just keep telling myself that this is just the way it is, for today? That I’ll still make it through work, I’ll still get to the gym, I’ll still be able to see people and do everything I did before, and no one will know. No one will be able to tell. I’ll just let it be. What happens then? I don’t know yet, when I do I’ll be sure to tell you about it.
I’m still working hard. I’m annoyed that it’s taking me so long. I’m usually well and truly back to myself by now. However, there have been extenuating circumstances. People have hurt me this this time. I’ve had more support this time for sure, but I’ve also had people take advantage of my weakness and vulnerability. I’m finding it hard to forgive them. I’m finding it hard to move on. I’m finding it hard to accept what I cannot change. I’m having nightmares about it and I’m not sleeping well.
I know all the answers to my current situation; I have a whiteboard full of solutions. I have amazing people doing what they can for me.
But I’m only a mere human.
At ease xx