Realising that the answer is not at the bottom of a bottle
Alcohol and Drugs came hand in hand for me and I started consuming them at the impressionable age of 16 when I was witness to my Dads losing battle with throat cancer. The silent type, I internalised all of my thoughts, with a family slowly falling apart it was easier to isolate and hide away in my room after school. As quite a naive teenager I had no outlet for my pain until one night where I ended up skinning dipping in a pool, I had found a release at the bottom of a bottle. Alcohol. A substance that took it all away. Weed rapidly followed and together they allowed me to feel freedom. Over the years the drinks got stronger and the drugs went up in class. More times then not I was under the influence and thought the confidence that it gave me was real. It took me 11 years to realise that it was all bullshit.
Experiencing life sober
I had my last drink at an Eminem Concert in 2014 and I have never looked back. With a new found confidence I enjoyed exploring new ways to have fun. To be in a crowded room full of people or to be alone walking along the beach, I didn't need a substance to feel safe. the sun became brighter, colours more vivid and food became more flavorful. Instead of waiting until an acceptable time to pop a cork or light a smoke, I fueled my body with food and sunlight. I was able to go on those brunch dates and see the sunrise and experience life with clear eyes rather than rose tinted glasses.
Caring about myself
Previously as long as my lipstick was on straight and my eyes lined with mascara, I was ready. The idea of actually taking care of my body was long from my mind. With sobriety came a clear mind and a reason to look after myself. I admit I still need to clean up my diet but generally I live happily and healthy. No more waking up a thumping headache and unexplained bruises in strange beds.
Operating on full energy
There's nothing better than waking up early on a Sunday morning without a hangover. Where later into my drinking my hangovers would last 3 days I can now rise and shine with no glaring pain. My head does not pound, my throat is not dry and my nose is not burnt from the powder. I can actually get through a day and be fully present and engaged.
Valuing my life
Honestly anyone that saw me in my prime would have thought I had a death wish. Laying on highways, climbing electric fences, getting in fast cars and going home with strangers. All of that is now in the past. I now take extreme care with my safety and those that I'm with. I can not put a value on my life and consider every move I make with caution as life is precious.
I am a better person sober,
I am a nicer person sober,
I am an honest person sober,
I am a changed person sober and value all of lifes experiences be it success or challenge.
Remembering the night before
That pit in your stomach as you're tagged in the photo from last night. Fragmented memories as faces and places come together like a twisted dream.
NO MORE BLACKOUTS
Remembering conversations and actions have allowed my connections in the community and relationships to grow stronger. I am now able to be completely honest and on no level feel I have to cover my tracks.
Yearning for more
Life is beautiful and there is so much to experience and enjoy. I now yearn to live a long life, a life full of joy and gratitude. I now take the lessons from the hardships and allow everything to happen at its own time. Sobriety was the answer to my question of what is the key to life. And I'm hoping that by telling my story I can unlock someone else's prison.
Love and Light Sammi
You can follow me on Instagram @motherdreamertravelerbeliever