Want to know what I was telling myself this week? I was telling myself the same age old stories, the ones I go back to time and time again...
I'm a failure
I have failed
I have let everyone down
I can't do this
No matter how hard I try I'll never be good enough at this
They're right, I'm wrong
I shouldn't try
I should just give up
I did this for 3 solid days this week, I also kept going as I usually do. Turning up to work without eating, without sleeping and without telling many people just how bad it was. I also started to wonder if people were sick of me, of it, of my constant ups and downs with my mental health. How long are people going to be able to listen to me without telling me to get my shit together? I'm annoyed at myself. I'm bored of listening to stupid fucking brain. I'm tired of the same old stories buzzing around in my mind.
And yet, here I am writing about it. Again.
One of the good things to come out of it all is the speed at which I seem to be bouncing back. It gets shorter every time I have an episode like this. Maybe it's because I have so many things going on at the moment I can't afford to slip into my usual patterns. Maybe it's the medication. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's needing the money from my job that keeps me going back. One thing I know for sure, it's definitely the people in my life. The patience, time, energy, help, reassurance and the presence I have from you all is something I don't think I could do without.
And what I really hope is that everything you give to me, you get back in return.
My one wish would be to be able to be there for you, to make sure that if you ever feel like this I can offer something. Even if it is very small, I owe you all a great deal.
Short post, but written with endless gratitude, a heart full of love and a feeling of belonging to something very special.
At ease, SC x