One day. A million emotions...
Fear, anxiety, unease, excitement, tiredness, peace, rage, joy, sadness and contentment are just a few of the feelings I roller-coasted through in the past 12 hours. I'm not sure I even knew it was possible but, it happened and I'm going to write about it because, in the middle of the ride today someone told me to. Because they think I can help, and I think I can too.
I've had bad dreams over the past few days. I don't believe in dreams being anything other than our subconscious sorting things out, dusting, hoovering and putting things back where they belong in our brains. It's not until I have two or three nights when I wake up and the lingering emotions of the dreams won't shift for a few hours that I start to analyze a little deeper. I start to ask my subconscious what's really going on, what are you trying to tell me? Last night I had a dream about living in squalor surrounded by spiders. It was vivid and the anxiety it created for me took hours to shake.
Luckily I was on my way to my friend's yoga class and I was experiencing bubbling excitement as I got further away from my bed (last night's scene of the crime) and closer to her class. She's been gone for a few months in Costa Rica learning to teach yoga and this morning I had the opportunity to experience it. Yoga has saved me so many times, it has brought me peace and physical strength in times when my body and my brain have been in all out war with each other. It gives both of them the chance to align, to block out the horrors of the world and to force me away from my phone and Facebook for an hour, two hours at a time. And yes, I fully accept and do not condone my addiction to my mobile and social media. It is truly a problem.
The class was nothing short of magical. I'm not someone who believes too much in 'energies' or 'light' being transferred from one human to another. I've never identified with a dimension other than our own or believed it was possible to have a truly spiritual experience, especially not while lying on a cold concrete floor in the middle of a city. After this morning I've changed my mind. I had a moment in Shavasana (the resting practice at the end of yoga) when my friend touched my hand and something shifted. I felt content, at peace and right where I needed to be at that moment in time. We talked about it after, it wasn't just me, she felt it too and it was incredible. However, right when I was having my transcendent moment, the woman who had booked the room for her dance class came rushing in telling us to get out and berating my friend for using oils in the room. There are people being gassed and bombed in the world yet, she barged in on a sacred practice and cried about a tiny amount of Lavender oil. There, that was my rage. An intense searing of cortisol and adrenaline, when two seconds before I had floated to the the Moon. And breathe...
I stayed for coffee with the group, we talked yoga, meditation, float tanks and anxiety. As always, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I told the group I was on meds. I explained I had gone as long as I could doing everything naturally but it got too much and I needed the extra help. I told them I made a conscious and educated decision to take them and it has turned out to be the right thing for me. I told them about Sergeant Calm and how I'm finding it difficult to write when I feel so good. All of them looked at me and said the same thing:
I felt joy in that moment, and I had a fresh new enthusiasm to write here for anyone struggling with the decision to get on meds. So, that's what I'm going to do over the next few posts. I'll discuss what an SSRI is and what it does to your brain. Because, quite frankly I think it should be compulsory for a doctor to tell you how they work and right now they don't. I think it helps with the process of getting your body either used to them or, when you have to taper off (you should never, ever just stop the meds).
I left lunch with a feeling of light-headiness, my thoughts travelling a million miles an hour. I tread a very thin line when it comes to my mental health but I'm also proud of it. I've made connections with people lately who quite frankly, I would never have known if I wasn't crazy. I'm grateful to them and I'm ready to work with them to take Sergeant Calm further. I may be feeling well now, but sometimes I might slip. It's times like these I need to use my broken brain to help others.