The demon is asleep.
Note: This is a post from the blog End to End. Read more here
I said in the last article which I wrote about 10 minutes ago that I feel like a fraud as I haven’t written anything meaningful yet. What I meant was I haven’t written from a really dark place as yet – well not on here. Let me tell you I have written lots of stuff from that place lots of times which I haven’t shown anyone. They are the diary entries of me when the demon is awake. Sometimes that demon makes me cry but want to die and I don’t action anything but over the last years it has made me so that I action the ‘I don’t want to live’ part of me. Wanting to die or not wanting to live or not wanting to have been born is something I have written about in diaries from a teenager. I guess I thought this was normal.
When I was about 12 I took a lot of my mums pills and passed out in class. At that time, I never told anyone much about taking them. I would have been hit or shouted at so I kept my mouth shut. Funny, I was asked by the admin at school if I wanted to stay in school. But I got sent home and slept for almost two days solid. My parents – well they were at the pub so nothing was ever mentioned or said about it until now. That was the first time and in my mind, the demon arrived.
A few weeks ago I intended on not being here. I really had it thought out. Perhaps some of me was thinking I need help as I did talk to others and said goodbye on social media.
In my mind, it was logically planned. I wasn’t really upset when I was doing it. I was planning the end of my life. Now, people ask what has happened, you were doing well – what triggers this? This is something that is not understood. It is not a real trigger. I don’t think I can possibly speak for everyone – no one can – no matter how many letters you have after your name or what you have went through as we all have different experiences. My experiences will be different to others. I can say there is a lot of misery though and there is a lot of pain I carry. Day-to-day I don’t, well I hope I don’t show this and there is a lot of things I will share further into these posts I go but the actions and background and experiences may have lead me here but I know there are other paths to being in this position. This is why I don’t want to dwell on the experiences – that is something for me and who ever I speak with – I want to talk about the feelings.
When I am gutter low – really feeling absolute pointlessness and hopelessness – true hopelessness as in no hope – no feeling of worth that my body aches with shame about my mere existence, everyone is better off without me and the pain that is physically draining can be taken away. I feel underused and useless at the same time and everyone around me, living their lives, can do that whether or not I am there. I feel a burden in everything that I am doing, to everyone I meet and I genuinely think no, I know (inside my mind) that eyes roll and it is an effort to see me, hear from me, acknowledge me let alone like me. No one really likes me. I feel that it is a duty that people feel they must have towards me. The world doesn’t fit me. I feel misplaced, misinterpreted. I am fragile and have no place. In the advent (this is personal to me specifically) of having no parents and no children, I am nowhere and no one’s and no one is mine. I am lost in my head and captured by a demon who completely and utter encircles me and the knowledge of misplacement or thought of I should not be here – The old why am I here question is answered by saying – you shouldn’t be. You are no one’s child and no one is yours.
Around Christmas is especially horrible. I hate it. I love the idea of it but I hate it. I don’t have a family unit and gifts and joy or somewhere to visit or invited here there and everywhere. If it wasn’t for a really good friend, I wouldn’t have anything – no gifts, no Christmas dinner nothing. And even if I was invited – at that stage – people just feel sorry for you being alone. I have been alone at that time of year a lot and it sucks. I hate quiet Christmas and New Year – it is all I ever have. Its not fun and games. I want charades and playing with kids (which people sigh at) and their toys and cooking for 20 and Christmas night being daft but it has never happened. Its quite non-eventful and I am not in an age where I go out with friends cause they all have families. I crave a close big family but I don’t have it and I guess that time of year sucks. Doesn’t help my birthday is beginning of January either – double sucks. Perhaps that is the ignition for the start of feeling how I felt a weeks ago. Even at that, its not just sad. Maybe people would feel sad and down at that but when my mood starts on this rollercoaster of thinking it goes beyond sadness and it certainly isn’t a ‘low mood’ which is on my sick note from Dr Who does she think she is.
The demon is clearly a metaphor. I don’t actually blame anything on a mythical creature but it gives a physicality to what the ‘depression’ I feel is. Depression isn’t a thing. I mean you can’t see, hear, smell or touch it but you can very much feel it. Calling it a demon makes it easier to explain it.
When I am gutter low, as I am in paragraph 5, the demon is surrounding me. In my head its like a black version of the dragon from fairytales. My brain is completely surrounded by this all the time. It is enveloped by it and its fire breathing head is tucked up under my brain right in the centre. It is there now but is sleeping. Sometimes it sleeps for a very long time – it hibernates. It isn’t all that bad. It is protective. It gives me control.
I know the demon is there and when I am in the pits of despair, the demon is stirring. She is waking and in her wake she triggers a plan. The plan is that I don’t have to feel like this. The plan is logical. It is simply to not be alive. Well why not? I am in deep pain, I have felt this way all of my adult life and I don’t like it. I am ill. This is illness and I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling like this every year, every time I cannot cope. If someone had a painful disease a lot of people would think it is humane for them to die – euthanasia – the right to die. Why not with this. What is the big deal. Life isn’t for me. It’s never been. Life is a square hole and I am a round peg and the two doesn’t fit.
So I can control this. For days after the demon is awake, she guides me and methodically I plan. I say I will do this. I will do this and I am so much calmer about well, everything. Nothing bothers me – work – education – not having dealt with stuff I should have – nothing matters – I actually feel happier – more alive. It is like a huge rock I am carrying has gone away. I feel lighter because nothing actually matters. I am doing this and the best part is that I can breathe. I am not physically sick, I can sleep like a baby and nothing matters.
So it is in my head for a while before I do anything. I don’t always know when I am going to do it. Sometimes the night happens and I do or sometimes I make a night of it. Whatever it is the demon is breathing fire. She has given me control as I use alcohol when taking the pills or heading to the cliff and I am ready.
Do I think at any point during this time of other people? Of course. Selfishly I do. I think, yeah I am doing a good thing. People might be nicer to one another – they might live their lives better and do what they want to and carry on. I do think people will be sad. I know that but I don’t think at the time it will be a huge sadness – will be for a bit but life moves on and so will they. In a way that is true. It needs to be. See the demon is a relief, a control and is why I said in my first post that people don’t go from depression to suicide. It doesn’t seem like the depression that makes the suicide. The logical decision and planning of the taking ones own life happens between this and for those moments and those times, I feel in control.
For writing purposes I would have left the post there but I need to expand the me now. The demon is very much asleep. I know she will wake. She will because I haven’t gotten rid of her. To get rid of the feelings of wanting to die completely, I need to rid of the horrid gutter depressive state. That needs to go because with that gone, there is no control needed. With the demon sleeping I can think like that and by this writing I can express this and explain it and I am seeking help (for all the personal stuff I need to speak of that is to the core – as I said we all have our own journeys where the path leads to this).
The demon I know will wake but I have no plans in her breathing fire.
Translation: I don’t want to want to die.