An injury stopped me in my tracks...
A knee injury sustained over 3 months ago has meant a slow descent into my own madness over the past couple of weeks. I knew it would take a long time to heal but I had no idea that I would get to Christmas 2016, having lost most of the fitness and stamina I built up over the first 9 months of the year. Not only have I lost the ability to walk up hills without gasping for air, it has definitely taken a toll on my mental health.
I can categorically now say that physical injury is a disaster for my brain.
So, how did I do it? Interestingly enough, I did it while I was stretching after class. KNeeling on my left knee I somehow became unbalanced and my knee cap slid out of place. I knew instantly it was bad. X-rays and physio months later and I can still hear it crunch as I walk upstairs.
I thought I would be ok for the first couple of weeks. And, in a way i was, I rested after work instead of going to the gym and I cooked and went to bed earlier than normal. But, like any interrupted routine, it was lost. Even when my knee felt good enough to do some low impact classes I had lost the will to pack a bag and get myself there.
It's hard. Going to the gym to improve your mental health is the best gift you could ever give yourself, but it's also the hardest thing to do too. When really all you feel like doing is going home, shutting the bedroom door, turning the lights off and lying in bed, indefinitely. When you constantly feel dizzy and tired, how could you possibly get on a treadmill? I know. I've been there. I'm there now. I'm so bloated and miserable with myself, I don't know where to start. But, start I must. I need the release at least 4-5 times a week. I cannot explain the bliss I feel after sweating it out for 45 mins, having a hot shower and then eating a decent meal. It's truly a simple, intense pleasure. Especially, for someone who daily wakes up with a feeling of dread in their stomach. For someone who wakes up and can't see how they'll make it to 5pm to even get to the gym. Yet, slogging through the day, sweating each time the phone rings, hiding in the toilet when the dizzy spells come on and suppressing the constant butterflies whenever there is a meeting to attend, I make it. I make it everyday. Getting to the gym ensures all those nasty chemicals surging through my veins don't stick around and make me sicker than I actually am. But I haven't been doing it.
Luckily, we have a fresh start coming up. We have a new year to start again. To wipe the slate clean and make a pact with ourselves to do it right this time. I know I can get back to it. I know I can't really survive without it. I know how good it feels to finish those classes and high five the trainers before walking out of the door (yeah, I DO that!)
I can't use my knee as an excuse anymore and I absolutely accept the fact that exercise is a core value that I need to stick then, now and forever.
I have a few days away by myself, by the beach. I'll be doing some yoga, hiring a bike and doing a lot of walking. I hope it gives me the kick start I need.
At ease x